Genealogy Chat

Over the last year, I have had much help from kind people on this site, and very much enjoyed the various boards. I have also learnt heaps from reading various posts, although I do not post very often, however..... see below

I have just had a real hard 2 weeks, as my best friend, soul-mate and mentor died of cancer. We buried her yesterday and today was spent with her family, sorting a few things and reminiscing. I got home tonight emotionally & mentally bushed. However, I decide that I should check my emails for the first time in days. Amongst them were a lot of messages from GR. Now knowing how, when I think that I have found a match, I can hardly wait for a response, I thought that I would deal with these first. There are about 15 of them. Most refer to names on the periphery of my tree, but 2 looked more interesting. The first one I opened referred to an ancestor, Mary Broe. The message read, “I know that we are related as I am sure that Mary Brown has been incorrectly transcribed. I have opened my tree for you.” A quick look at the tree showed me that their Mary Brown was indeed Brown by marriage, was born in England in 1867 while my Mary Broe was born a Broe in Ireland in 1856. I wrote and explained why I thought it was not the same person. As I answered the next query, which was polite and gave enough info for me to think that it could, indeed be a match, I received a response from the first person, which said, I was wrong that she knows it was transcribed incorrectly. If I looked at her tree, I would see that it was the same person. Could she see my tree? (Not even a please)!!! I have started flicking through the rest of these messages and I just feel like screaming. I am happy to share my research with people and usually am very patient & try to be as polite as possible, but I feel like deleting these! They read like this:- 'James is my grandfather'…..my James was born in 1823, how old would that make them? 'Where was she born?'…..If I knew, surely it would be in my tree!! 'I am trying to trace the Driscolls from London'….mine are in NZ 'I am looking for O’Sullivans'….!!!!!! None of these give any other info, but somehow I can’t be bothered trying to extract teeth. I haven’t bothered reading the others! I am not in the frame of mind to deal with them. I will look again tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe, I will find enough patience not to just delete them. Am I being over sensitive or is it time to give up and remove my tree? What would you do? Regards Lyn

Why don't you take a break from GR for a week or so. Sounds like you have had a very sad, emotional time and maybe it is all too much for you to deal with at the moment.xx

Lyn, This is obviously a VERY emotional time for you and you are bound to be highly sensative to everything at the moment. DO NOT delete your tree - you have obviously pu a lot of hard work into it and it has meant a lot to you in the past - Just at the moment though I would leave it closed until you are ready to face it again - You will know when that is ! Don't worry about not answering people's messages - Yes, you are right, it is hard for others when they think that they have found something but do not receive a reply, but you have to put YOURSELF first just at the moment. When you do feel like responding, just a little comment apologising for the delay will suffice and whether or not you have a connection, they will be pleased to have a response, no matter when it comes. Do take care, take a break, and remember you have friends on here who are thinking about you. Best wishes, Dea x

Hello, I send my sympathy to you and your friend's family. I think that now is not the right time to make decisions. Wait for a while, and when your are over the initial shock and grief from the loss of you friend, then you will be more able to make whatever decisions are necessary. This site can be very frustrating, particularly where Hot Matches are concerned, but against that is the knowledge and expertise that some members bring to and willingly share on the boards. Hilary

Hi All, Thanks for yor support. I guess that I know I am not in the right place emotionally to cope with the messages, but I think I was shocked by the abruptness & stupidity of those ones.....they were as quoted, nothing more & nothing less. No please, thankyou or regards XX in sight. I think that I would have preferred the automated, 'Please may I view your tree'!!! At least, for those, I could have replied requesting some data. Surely it is not hard to be friendly. On the brighter side, I have just been browsing the Trying to find board. I always check it out and in over a year, in spite of having some very common names in my tree, I never seem to come across any of them. The couple of times that I did, they were nothing to do with my lot, but tonight there was one that looks promising. I have just sent a polite message with some info to see if it is a match. Thanks again & may God bless you all. Lyn

Lyn Just an idea...one or two of my Hot Matches are from a member who is called Not available till September. I thought this was a good way of that member indicating that they wont be answering any hot matches until then - perhaps you could temporarily do something similar till you feel like coping? Personally, I wouldnt worry too much about answering the dafter messages - if these people are desperate for info then they will message you again, hopefully with a bit more info, or even more hopefully, not atall when they look again at what rubbish they have sent. My sympathy to you and your friend's family at this sad time. OC

Hi OC Thanks for your message. I guess to have that message, I would need to change my name in my tree. We are all pretty stunned by it all...it was so quick & cruel. so it has been a big shock. I did get brave & go back to look at the rest of those messages, thinking that maybe they weren't all so abrupt. I just opened one & gave up again when it just read 'My Hot Matches say you have 7 matches. Who are they?'... What?????? After that, I don't think that I will bother even to look again for another couple of weeks!! I know, I know..too sensitive just now, but really!! What happened to being polite? Bless you, Lyn

Lyn. It takes all sorts to make a world. There are those, such as your friend... and I am sad for you in your loss because I have walked in your shoes.. and then there are the others who seem not to know the meaning of manners or kindness. Don't let it worry you. As the others have said'take a break' and take care of yourself M

Lyn No you are not being too sensitive! It seems pretty obvious anyway that you have no useful information to give these people so I wouldn't worry about not replying. As for the person who cannot work out who the 7 hotmatches are.....well, perhaps a delay in answering will enable them to work out how to find out!!! I do think some Newbies don't understand the Hot Match thing and think the hotmatches are some sort of personal message from a person, and that they are duty bound to reply. OC

Thanks Marie. I was beginning to think that I was getting too old & impatient. I will take care of myself. Just had a hot toddy & am heading off to bed. (the toddy is showing in my typing!! My fingers are all in a tangle!!) Think that I will probably crash for a week!! LOL! Bless you. Lyn

Hi OC, So it is not just me!! Thank you for that!! I know that I am getting old & grumpy, but this did have me worried! LOL1 I am off to bed now..will sleep well...my fingers are already there. Thanks for you thoughts & kind words. Blessings. Lyn

Hi Lyn, I just had to post a message offering you my sympathy. I know exactly how you are feeling, I lost a very close friend to cancer nearly four years ago, then 18 months later I lost my best friend also to cancer who had pulled me through my previous grief, she was always on the other end of the phone when I had some sort of crisis or the other and I was totally devasted when she died. It happened so quickly I didn't have time to prepare myself for it. Two years on I still think of her all the time, and miss her terribly. I can understand completely how dealing with people who have been less than polite would be very trying for you. From my experience dealing with day to day stuff was near on impossible for me for a while. Take a break from the tree and devote the time to dealing with your grief. I am more than happy if ever you want to share any thoughts for you to PM me. Take care of yourself Fuzzy xx

Lyn I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Now is not a good time for you to be coping with people who require patience. I would leave it for a few days then have another look. It may be that they don't know how to go about approaching people, not everyone reads the boards and learns the language, and it may also be that if you just delete them you miss an important contact. When you feel up to it just send a short message to each one, something like 'I'm afraid you have not given enough information for me to help you but if you like to contact me again with more precise information I will look when I have time and get back to you'. You could type it out once and cut and paste. (or even copy and paste this)then you will have done your bit. I guarantee that if you just delete them without replying you will always wonder if you did indeed have a match. But do it when you feel less emotional about your friend and able to cope. (((hugs))) Ann Glos

Lyn I am so sorry to hear about your bereavement. Grief is a horrible business and it does take its emotional toll, rather a roller coaster I'm afraid. I think its time for you to have a bit of time out and do something nourishing for your soul, whatever it may be. Hot matches are very annoying, as there's no match with birthplaces. I delete any hot matches that don't give a birth place and then all the ones that don't match. Despite saying 'dont' show me this again' I get the same John Gray born in australia every month. BUT as regards family history, it is NEVER EVER time to quit! I have made some useful contacts, but mostly its after wading through the dross.

Hi Fuzzy, I will PM you over the next few days. Bless you Lyn

Hi Ann & Nell, Thank you both for your kind words & advice. I have taken a few days out...popped in briefly last night to check the boards, but have not felt up to answering those messages, yet. I did not mean 'give up on ancestry'!!! I could never do that!! I am too addicted, and have just renewed my subscription. I just meant to remove enough of my tree that I don't get any of these stupid messages. It is not that I am unwilling to help people.....I am. I guess that their rudeness just got to me because of where I was, and still am, at. It may be a long while before I am back to near normal, but I must not feel sorry for myself. Enough said. Thanks for caring. God bless you. Lyn

My sympathy to you in your loss. It will take time to get over. Just a note on my own experiences: I lost my job 14 years ago and at that time got into the tail end of CB radio. The contacts I had on there kept me sane whilst hunting for the next nine months. My work is pretty stressful now and I find that the time I spend doing genes provides the same sort of relief, mainly because of the human contact with dozens of others who are not too closely involved. I have found that it helps to share things with others at a distance, maybe you wil find the ame?

Thanks Brian, For your sympathy, thoughts and advice. I am feeling a little better today, but still not brave enough to go to my messages or emails. I realize now that I should not have even tried the other night. This is going to take some getting over. I still am very much on a rollercoaster. It is so hard to image that I will never see her again. I cannot believe that you use genealogy to relieve your stress!! Mainly mine stresses me out!! It has really done my brain in!! Thanks again & God bless you. Lyn