Genealogy Chat

The begining of the last message should have started Thanks once again to everybody Dont know what happened? Having a bad hair day. Anthea

Once again to everybody who has replied to this message. I feel a whole lot betterknowing I am not alone with the feeling of being rejected, first by my b: mother, then my brother. When it first happens you feel as if you are the only one, then you get all these replies and know that its not. I will keep you all posted if anything happens!!! Anthea

Hello Anthea Yes I know it's hard the same thing has happened to me twice, First my father will not believe that I am his. He is in my adoption file he has an uncommon name and the date match with the GRO still he knows that I am alive thats all that matters- then one of my B M sisters will not accept me even all the rest of her brothers and sister do. My B M is now Dead. She, Aunt ???? is cross that there has been a skeleton in the closset for over 60 years and noboby told her.but nobody knew about me until April this year. Some people are strange but if they do not want you I guess I have lived without them for so long I can carry one without them. Do what you think is right for you , and in the end it will be easy to live with . Sheila

It happens in 'normal' families as well. I have a brother two years younger. He went off to university, moved to Yorkshire and married a local girl. He came down a couple of times when our parents were ill, they died in 1990/91, and he came last year when my son got married (on his own). They've got two daughters who I haven't seen since they were babies. They are now around 20 years old. I suppose with distance and lack of shared interests we've just drifted apart. Maybe one of us will go to the other's funeral one day !

I think I will try a letter, in with a Birthday Card the end of this month. Wish me luck. Thanks again for all the messages. Makes me feel better. Anthea

How sad for you. My mother had this happen with her birth mother. It was too painful for her mother to meet her or acknowledge her existence I think but on the surface it looked like she was a hard hearted so and so. My advice would be to write the simple letter someone has suggested but also send simple cards now and again, keeping the message brief but say he is in your thoughts. For example, Christmas, a postcard from your holidays etc. I have heard that the above method can be very successful given time.

Anthea So sorry, what a crushing blow. I would do what the poster above has suggested (sorry!) and write him a short and dignified letter, saying you are sorry that he doesn't wish any contact, that you will of course respect his wishes, but that he will, as far as you are concerned, ALWAYS be your brother, and that if he should ever change his mind, you would welcome him with open arms. If, as you say, your birth mother is 97 (and he is the one who lives with her?) then, to put it crudely, she cannot last much longer. He may change his mind when she has died. Carry on doing your tree - one of your half sisters wants to know you, and that's a start. Things change over time, so don't be despondant. Good luck OC

My thanks to everybody who replied, sorry this has taken so long, but I was trying to tame my jungle,naerly there. I think my brother has known of my existance since I was born,we where both illigitimate,but I was the one tht was adopted. Of all the relations that I have found, and I have 6 half brothers and sisters living in Scotland. One half sister and full brother + birth mother [age 97] in London. The only one that has contacted meis my Half sister + her daughter and they live in OZ !!!!!! Sometimes I wonderwhy I am bothering to do my tree. Keeps me off the streets I suppose. Anthea

I found out (7 yrs ago) that I have 6 brothers and sisters I never knew existed. I was absolutely over the moon. Out of them all, one brother isnt family orientated and couldnt care less; one sister finds it too painful to be reminded that our dad didnt want us so has cut contact with me; one sister is very jealous that shes got to share her father with me (so I cut contact); and the youngest sister doesnt know I exist and lives miles away. The 2 brothers that are left are great, but due to the distance, we hardly see each other. I do feel bad that my mum didnt want me because of the embarrassment of having an illigitimate child, and my dad didnt either, as he says the long time gap has stopped him being close to me. But I have 3 great kids - theyre my family now.

Hi, I think this is the one thing that is constantly repeated by many of the members on this site. It is difficult to know what sort of reaction you will receive when you finally contact your brother/sister/mother/father. What is often said, is to put yourself in the other persons position. They may be totally unaware of your very existance, but you have knowledge of them. Direct contact could come as a complete shock with a probable outcome of denial. You are nothing to do with them. They have never heard of you. etc. I really do not know what the answer is, but I think I would write a letter saying who I am, what the relationship between us is and what I would like the outcome to be. At least if you receive no immediate reply, they now have the knowledge that you do exist, some background details and your contact details. Try again, put something in writing, intoduce yourself and leave a return address. Good luck. Don't give up but do not hound either. Paul

I'm from the other side of this adoption thing! I found the whereabouts of my adopted half Sister. She doesnt want to know! She was ok with just talking on the phone for hours but impossible to tie down to a meeting. This has been her loss as she missed seeing her birth mother,then one year later our elder Sister also died. Theres only me left now. So yes Anthea I do know how your feeling...sad ol world init? Gerri x This was also after 50 odd years.

My mum has a brother who she has never known. I have researched him and found everything she needs even a phone number and address and she now refuses to contact him. When i asked her why she said that she has never known him and he has never tried to contact her (he should know of her) and she has managed her life without him, so why would she need him in it now. I think people find this sort of thing very personal. If it was me i would want to biuld a relationship with who contacted me but i know others will just turn a blind eye to it. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Jen

Oh, I don't know...my friend found out at the age of 50 (on the day of her mother's funeral, to be exact) that she had a full brother. She had been told that her father died during the war, and no mention was ever made of any brother. Turned out the parents had divorced and her father had taken the boy, her mother kept the girl. She flatly refuses to meet or have any contact with, either her brother, or her father (who is in his 80s now). All she will say on the subject is 'I don't blame my mother, she must have had her reasons'. I think though she is very bitter about it, and it is easier for her to put the 'blame' on her father and brother, who are strangers to her, even if they are her blood relations, than to rethink 50 years of life with a mother she adored. OC

My OH found he had a half-brother . The brother doesn`t want to meet him neither do cousins who remember him as a wee boy. OH `s parents divorced 50 years ago! I think it`s a girl thing as I would want to meet any half-siblings , Ros

What a shame. Maybe it is such a shock for him after all this time. He may well change his mind. I bet he is missing out on such a lot. Have to say I wouldn't have been able not to get in contact so maybe it is a girl thing.Hope things work out for you xx

Maybe he didnt know about you & his initial reaction is he doesnt want to share his parent/parents cos they are HIS!!!. I would leave the door open to him by telling him your adoption wasnt of yout choosing and you are missing that part of your past. You dont need him to be a bosom pal but would love some sort of connection

hi anthea im so sorry to hear your brother doesnt want to know,i found 3 brothers and im so lucky that they wanted contact,even though after 3yrs contact is a bit scares iv learnt to cope with it.i cant image how it must feel for him to blankly revuse contact.my heart goes out to you bacardi xxxxxxxxx

Thanks for that Kathleen, perhaps its just a girlie thing Anthea

Hi Anthea, So sorry your brother isn't interested. I don't have personal experience of this, but something similar. Two years ago I found that my father-in-law had been married before he married my mother-in-law. We also found that he had two daughters from this first marriage. When my in-laws were alive none of this was ever mentioned. My hubby was only slightly interested in this information when I found it and even though we have met up once with the daughter of one of his half-sisters (only because they were on holiday near to where we live), he really doesn't have any interest in travelling to meet his half-sisters. If it were me I couldn't stop myself. Kath. x

After 50 oddyrs, 3yrs ago I found I had a full brother. Contacted him yesterday, and he is not interested. Feeling blue Anthea