Genealogy Chat

think i have found a elderly rellie that probably doesnt know anything abt me how to start? how much info to give ? any tips gratefully recieved regards elaine

Be a little formal, so start Dear Mr/Mrs/whatever. Then something like, I am researching my family history & believe I may be related to you. Then how you are linked. I've found that many elderly people have dabbled in their family history & are only too happy to find someone else who's interested. You shouldn't have any problems unless you're a skeleton in their cupboard & they don't want to know. Ozi.

When you say they don't know anything about you, do you mean that your birth was in circumstances that would upset them, or do you mean parts of your family just drifted apart? It is an important distinction, because depending on the circumstances, they may be pleased to hear from you - or you might cause them great distress. OC

Perhaps keep it brief (something that I can't do). :) I've found that when I say too much that it scares them off. Best of luck with your letter writing.

Totally agree with Lisa about keeping it brief. If they're interested you can give more information later. Ozi.

Forgot to mention, with rellies I don't know, I tend to include a SHORT fact sheet with multiple choice questions that they can just tick or give a brief answer. Here's a copy of one of my letters. Dear Mrs _________, My name is ___________, & my father was ______________ whom I believe was your second cousin . I’m trying to find out more about my _____________ relatives & I was wondering if you are able to help me. If you would answer anything on the enclosed fact sheet, I would be grateful. Any information helps fit some of the missing jigsaw pieces of the family tree. Very much hoping you’re able to help me. Yours sincerely, ______________ & of course a self-addressed envelope.

...and enclose a self addressed, stamped envelope and ask them to return it empty, if they are not interested, so that you will know they have received your letter. OC

Depending on the circumstances you might say that you are not sure how they might feel about your contacting them but you are very excited by the possibility that you might be able to be in touch. However if they feel it may be difficult you would quite understand. Leave a way for them to contact you with a telephone number and address and wait!

Also, enclose an S.A.E. you are more likely to get a reply. I did this many years ago when first researching, and the elderly ones do tend to share info. I had great responses from distant rellies who hadn't heard of me, but knew my families. Good luck. Cheers Margaret.

As Lisa says, keep it fairly brief, but include enough information to leave them in no doubt that you are not a con artist (please don't take offence - it does happen) who might be trying to gain their trust in order to get at their life savings! Many elderly people, especially those who live alone and have no other family, feel very vulnerable and there are a lot of evil people out there. It's also so easy to get hold of information and even original documents now that it's possible for anyone to pretend to be someone they're not, especially if the relative wouldn't know them from Adam. If you know of any family secrets, or anything that would not be commonly known or publicly recorded it would be a good idea to include that in your letter to help convince them you are who you say you are. Don't be disappointed if you don't receive a quick response or even if your letter is initially received with caution. This would be natural and it may just take them time to mull it all over or perhaps speak to a friend or family member before responding to you. Relatives appearing 'out of the blue' is obviously not an everyday event. Then again...they might be delighted to hear from you and invite you over the next day. This will be wonderful of course, but remember that once you have come into their life as a long lost relative you might not easily be able to extricate yourself should you not like what you find. Hope it all turns out splendidly for you both! Amanda

The stamped envelope and questionnaire are great ideas - will use them myself. Thanks. I have very elderly rellies I hesitate to call as they are deaf and don't really know me. That is worth a try as it will give them time to think and answer in their own time. Brilliant! The above is sadly true. We have a Care Home and it has been known for people to target elderly people for their money!

Wow, some great ideas! I've used the questionnaire form myself and it has worked. Never thought of asking for the envelope to be returned - great idea.

Excellent tip about the ssae and asking them to return it whether they want to get involved or not. Nice one, OC!

As always OC comes up trumps. Ozi.

Oh, shucks, not my idea, someone else suggested it ages ago and I thought it was so good, I have remembered it! (Apologies to who ever first suggested it) OC

I had this same thing only a few weeks ago. My dads sister (my aunt) she is 89years and the only living one of 18 left. I wrote saying I had been researching my dads family the Arnolds and thought she might be my aunt, I gave an address and a telephone number and said if she was the sister of '................................' I would love to hear from her. She 'phoned two days later and has been phoning every couple of days since.

hello everyone, thank you all so much for your tips on contacting elderly relatives. i really did not know where to start, i do not want to scare them off or frighten them in anyway but you have all given me such great tips i now feel confident and well equipped to write. thank you all once again regards elaine ps- to OC one rellie knows of my birth but last contact was over 40 yrs ago when i was a child and the other rellie well i dont think he knows i exist, must go you know letters to write ! thanks all