Genealogy Chat

I didn't know my father til I was 23, and have never met his parents/sisters etc. But doing his side of the tree, its extremely interesting and I now feel I 'know' myself, I have a sense of belonging. However, Im at a dead end as his grandparents were Romany gypsies, and havent got a marriage record. Either they didnt register on the 1901 census, or were born after it. My fathers 84 yr old mother is the only person who knows info that is so invaluable to me; yet Ive cut all contact with that side of the family!! I havent got her address, but could write to my father (who Ive only seen 3 times anyway), he couldnt care less about family history. We had a bit of a fall out, as he wasnt the least bit interested in knowing me or my children, even though he's close to his other grown up kids - that hurt a bit really. His mum is elderly, so time is of the essence...should I write and ask him, how would I word it? *UPDATED: Reply recieved.

couldn't you contact you grand mother? She is an older lady now,and has possibly mellowed,and would like you to take an interest in your roots. I would be inclined to let by gones be by gones. Cannot understand any grandparent not wanting to have anything to do with a grandchild! Think about it Romany!! Brenda x x

Romany Star. if you dont have a good relationship with your father then you dont have much to lose by writing to him. Explaine to him what you have put in your message above, about needing a sense of belonging and knowing your family history. He may not know much about his family history, is there anyway you could get in touch with his mother, she would probably have more answers for you. I hope everything works out. Georgina.

Thanks Georgina. Ive posted this on the General board too, as I want to (if I have the nerve) write the letter asap. I dont know the ladys address, and have checked the electoral roll online. Its possible she remarried after her husband died, so her surname changed, although I cant find a marriage for her.

Don't forget to mention that you are doing this because you are proud to be Romany and want to feel you belong to the greater romany community.

Thankyou all! The questionnaire idea is great, I hadnt thought of that! Will sit down tonight, grit my teeth, and do it. No doubt the letter will get passed round the family and there'll be comments of, 'Ooer, she's got in touch again, what does she want to know all that for' etc, lol. I might tell a white lie, say my daughters doing a project on Romanies at school...

I would write to your father. Try not to sound as if the falling out is still on your mind. Let's face it, if you aren't in contact at the moment, you have nothing to lose. If it gets you what you want, then I would say you are sorry (even if you don't feel it) and ask if he would just help you would with some bits of information for your family tree (say you are doing it for your children (his grandchildren). Give him a list of questions, i.e. mother's name.......father's name....... etc. That way he doesn't even have to write a letter back to you - just fill in the answers. I hope you get the information you want. Kath. x

The white lie seems like a good idea. Say your daughter is over the moon to find her ancestors are Romanies and she is looking forward to telling her classmates and teacher. Play on the fact that she is proud of her heritage. Anything to get what you want. I sound awful, don't I? Oh, and don't forget to include a stamped addressed envelope - might mean he is more likely to reply. Kath. x

Romany Please remember that as folk get older the eyesight is not so good so make sure the print on your letter is not too small. Best wishes and lots of luck. What about a sprig of heather for the Romany touch LOL Gordon

Lol Gordon. I've written a questionnaire with 12 questions, and a covering letter. Will post on Mon morning; Ive enclosed an SAE too, so it wont cost them anything. Ive had to send it to my dads house, Im hoping he takes it over to her and asks the questions. We'll see. Either that or she'll put a curse on me...

Hi Romany Star, Just a little thought to add to all the other great ideas. When I tried to seek the help of my aunts, who by the way also didn't believe in anything to do with Family History, I added the little note (which was true) that I wanted to keep the memory of their brother & mum (my dad and grandmother) alive so that although my children didn't actually know them they would have a sence of knowing something about them. I also mentioned that I wanted to help my children draw a picture of them in their minds eye. I also drew up an excel sheet full of questions where they only had to fill in the answers and send it back. The questions included colour of hair, eyes, hobbies etc, home address's etc and burial sites. That did the trick as the information came flooding in. In less that 3 years I've found & met 3 cousins 1st removed, 6 2nd cousins and met 1 of them. And discovered much more. I've now managed to give my aunts a photograph of their parents wedding curtasey of one of these 'lost' relatives something which they'd never seen. They were so grateful that they've now given me more info. It worked a treat for me and I hope it does for you. I wish you good luck, success and hapy hunting. Lou

Received letter back from him today, he'd taken over it to his mum to ask her the questions, as I had hoped. She's not answered any of the ones relating to gypsy heritage, but has given a couple of names of family members, and provided one vital birthplace. I'd advise anyone stck in a rut to consider writing to elderly relatives, even distant ones. Good luck!

You must be chuffed to bits Romany star. Any information is better than none! Well done! Lin

Owt's better than nowt, lol.

Right, I'd now take the chance of contacting Granny directly. She's obviously not written you off as she's answered some of your questions. As someone earlier said, she has probably mellowed with age, and as someone else said, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. We recently visited a very elderly cousin of my husband's whom we did even know existed, and he was over the moon about it, cos no other cousin had contacted him in 50 years, so we are now stars to him! Write to her, or ring (do they have phones in Romany vans?), and ask if you could go and see her. I bet she will be delighted to see you. Don't mention any rift in the family, or any problem with you dad. Just say 'Thanks, Gran, for the information you gave dad last week. It was really interesting. He isn't very good at asking the right questions, and I just wondered if it would be okay if I came to visit you for a chat and to see how you are. I know it is a long time since I have been, but I hope you don't mind'. Much love. Margaret

I'm glad to hear that you did get a little bit of information. Every little bit helps. I agree that you could take it one step further if you have a contact number or address for her. Just contact her to say 'thank-you' for the information. You never know where it might lead. If you haven't got any contact details, send a thank you note via your dad and don't forget to add all of your contact details in the note. Oh...and perhaps send photos of your kids. She might just get in touch. Best Wishes Kath. x

Thing is Margaret, Ive never met her! My dad was already married when he had a 'liason' with my mum. My mum never met any of his family either. My gran isnt interested in her other grandkids too, sadly. I dont know why, I just think she thinks 'Oh, another one of (her sons) kids!'. I could have tried approaching her husband, but he died in 2002, I'd never met him either. But thanks for the kind thoughts. PS: I have contacted my dad to say thanks, and asked him if he remembered what his grandparents looked like. He had never met them for some reason, although his gran died when he was 12.