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You ask for something and normally say Please
You receive something and normally say Thank you
What is so difficult about that!
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Sorry if this has been said already but regards people not replying, they might not have renewed their membership.
My membership was due for renewal last November but I wasn't sure if it was worth renewing as I wasn't really getting anything from the site in terms of new contacts of any use to me. I let my membership lapse and was surprised to find that I could still access everything I already had but couldn't access anything new. This meant that although I could see messages, I couldn't reply to them.
I don't know if this is a form of psychological torture on GR's part in order to tempt you back but curiosity did get the better of me and I renewed a couple of weeks ago.
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we have one on TTF at the moment - initial posting was quite impolite - however, a stack of information has been found for her - she has been advised by pm to return - these pm's have been opened but she still has not managed to acknowledge anything that has been found for her - in this instance I call this bad manners
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Please and Thank you, dont hurt anyone
So why dont people use it anymore.
It dont cost anything.
Hazelx
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Thank you Barbara.
TBH Mary, I realise that the thread was about courtesy, and good manners.
But the threads complaining about people who don't respond, are, in my opinion, also ill mannered and discourteous. They make an assumption in many cases that not replying is deliberate and wilful and I would even go as far as to suggest that some even feel that it is malicious.
When the fact is, the non responder may have been ill, died, had family problems, be moving house, whatever... just not able to respond for whatever reason.
So, to me, this is an appropriate thread for this topic, and not off topic at all.
Love
Daff xxxx
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Patience is a virtue which sadly in this day and age has been forgotten. Maybe it can be blamed on new technologies with instant reponse who knows.
Getting angry or upset about lack of reponse to messages is a waste of ones energy. After all even if I get a response I still have to go and find the records to prove it. Yes there have been instances when I would not have found that necessary lead that has tantilizingly eluded me but everything comes to he/she who waits.
Daff I am please to hear that you are on the mend and wish you well.
Something else for consideration. My husband is dyslexic and when contacting members does not always come across as politely as he should. However I encourage him to persevere rather than just write everything on his behalf as this will not help his self esteem. So what some may construed as lack of common curtesy may be because the other person is try very hard to make contact were reading and writing is very difficult
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TBH.......this thread wasn't actually about people NOT replying to messages. It was about people sending a not very well worded/impolite message wanting information about someone in your tree without any indication of how they think this person might be related to their tree.
And I don't think my replying in a similar vein to their message is rude/impolite/bad mannered in any way at all.........in fact I would expect from the tone of their original message that this is how they would expect the reply to be given! If it isn't how they want to be replied to, then they shouldn't write their message to me in such a way in the first place!
Anyone who has ever had a message initiated by me will find that it is polite, giving the information about how I think the person in their tree may be related to me and thanking them for their time if the person I'm asking about isn't related.
Mary
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As has been mentioned, I have put a thread up on General board about similar occurrences regarding people not replying to requests for information. Well, more properly, the people complaining about the inconsideration of others for not answering requests.
My cousin had a few accounts, lol... she would open one, then forget how to get into it we think, and so open another. But she was a young mum, fighting a battle with breast cancer, and the last account she opened, in the last couple of months of her life, was deleted after a couple of years, when I mentioned it to my uncle. But no-one knew about the others until a couple of months ago. My uncle can't bear to have them deleted. I understand his reasons, too, it feels like a link to her. It is so sad to see their tree still there, but is a comfort to him. His daughter was just 37, with a 2 year old, so dreadfully sad. But she will never be able to answer any requests, and I am sure she will have had some, as I have. Her surname, my mother's maiden, is quite unusual.
So I get very cross when I see threads complaining about people like her.
Or about people like me.... I didn't do much answering of requests for a while... I had Leukaemia (am well, now though, as you can tell!), and was far too busy fighting that. But these constant complaints about non responding were about me, and my cousin, and people just like us. I was fed up with the inconsideration and lack of empathy from these complainers.
Barbara, thank you. You have worded that so well, and that is how I wish others were.
I have a chap who is very elderly, and every so often, he sends me an *I have opened my tree* message. We are not connected at all, although there was a Jones involved in the first contact!
But every so often, he clears his contacts box out, and manages to click on the open tree bit, somehow... I just pm him and let him know, but he has left it open now, to save time, he said, lol. He is very sweet!
So it may be accidental when that happpens. Although when I know it is deliberate, I get a bit miffed.....
I like to see good manners from both sides, as well. Please, and thank you are good.
However, after a while, it becomes fairly obvious that there are genuine Newbies or people who find the site difficult, and who need to be treated gently so as not to frighten off. Sometimes they are not.
And then there are those who are quite clearly working the system. It doesn't matter what system is devised or in place, benefits, Genealogy, Technology, someone will want to work it to their own advantage. Well, they get the flak they deserve.
Then there are those, as has been mentioned, who have been given masses of information from the very experienced folk on here, and zoom off to double check, or try it for themselves where they have been given the sites etc that they can find the info on. Some of these might forget to come back in their enthusiasm, I think, and maybe should be given the benefit of the doubt in the first instance.
Love
Daff xxxx
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Barbara, I couldn't agree more. Unless someone is positively insulting I always send a courteously worded reply back.
PP, not everyone who puts a tree on here is as interested in genealogy as you or I. I know of dozens of people who have a small tree on here, but rarely if ever visit the site. My younger son and my grandsons aunt are but two.
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We have a long running thread on TTF - "Please - the magic word" - I find so many people so lacking in manners - one today gives three surnames and an area, no forenames or dates and says "Happy hunting"
I've replied suggesting that rather than "Happy Hunting" "please" might be a good idea and unless he comes up with some forenames and dates he'll get nothing, which is precisely what he has - zilch!!!
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Thanks Secret Red Squirrel
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PS I like your post Barbara, I wish I could be as eloquent as you :)
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Hi Cynthia :)
I've been here many years (virtually since Genes Connected started), certainly not a newbie but several times in the past few weeks, I've nearly shared my tree with someone I'd replied to or contacted (can't remember which). It's that automatic tick at the bottom of the post that is easy to miss. I wish they wouldn't put the tick in automatically.
Hi Inspector Green Pen :)
I too don't get annoyed with people just posting the basics without a please. If you put yourself into the mindset of the person posting, they may not be asking for help as such but declaring who they are interested in and hoping that someone else will make contact.
ie Looking for parents of Mr Peter Jones born 1801 in london.
Sometimes it can be a surprise when people answer so quickly as they don't realise that their post is on the general board too rather than just under their surname.
Personally I get more irritated at people correcting people's supposedly bad manners as I think that people should be encouraged too. I can't remember which post it was but someone had been perfectly polite the other week and someone had a go at them for not acknowledging their reply straight away when they were being bombarded with information from everyone.
I agree I think Daff's post on general is very interesting and wish more people would read it.
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I find it very interesting to find on a thread essentially about good manner having replies advocating bad manners. I refer of course to not replying to threads that have not requested information in a polite and correct manner. This in itself bad manners.
I always reply to messages no matter how informationhas been requested. I do not open my tree but ask in a polite manner for information to how they think we are connected. I also reply when a request has been made with information even if there is no connection and when I receive a message saying that we are not connected thanking them for their time.
I must be weird because I expect nothing from anyone. If I get a reply then all well and good but if not then it is their loss. Also I think that the person I am contacting may have a life which they are leading and not waiting carrying on with their research.
Also it should be noted I have in my contacts someone who is a first cousin one removed. I made contact with him four years ago and too date have not received a reply. Only recently have I discovered that he died six years ago in a car accident
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Last weekend, I had one of those request to view your tree messages. Sent a reply back asking what they were hoping the match was as I don’t open my tree on the off chance, but would be more than happy to give as much info I have on the connection. Eventually, the person tells me they are researching XXXX who isn’t even listed. Most odd!
As for the request for help on the boards – yes, some people do come over very blunt. It could be that they are using texting etiquette rather than the letter writing one…or they are so frustrated at their own failure, that posting is a last resort and it’s that feeling which is being reflected.
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I have got one this morning,it just says.
Sharing my tree.
Which in fact they haven't.
Why i don't know,so I can't be bothered replying.
Maryb
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Because I send out so many messages alerting newbies to the fact that they have received replies and how to find them.....I often get them sharing their tree with me. I think that some are so unsure of what to click on, they click on the first button they see. I politely tell them that we are not related - I was just letting them know that they had replies. Some apologise, most don't.
For those who are genuinely interested in my tree with a view to a possible connection, I am usually polite but always verify what they want to know first. Cx.
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These subjects come up every couple of weeks. Unfortunately you are probably preaching to the converted as only a tiny percentage of members bother to read the boards.
Short and apparently curt messages used to annoy me but not any more. I usually send a brief but nevertheless polite message answering the question and prompting for more information. More often than not this results in a proper reply.
If the person genuinely is a new member finding their way , then they need encouraging, not shouting down.
Regarding the non-reply to messages, read Daff's thread entitled "To those people with threads complaining" on the General Board
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